Getting the Respect You Deserve

Getting, and knowing that we have gotten respect, depends quite a bit on having an idea of what respect is. “Re-spect” simply means, to look twice. This begs a lot of questions, one being, why can we not just look carefully once instead of having to look twice? And, what is it that we should be looking for?

There are a lot of implications of the meaning of “respect,” but I would like to start by dissecting a word that often accompanies respect, “deserve.” “De” as a prefix, means removal or separation. “Serve” comes from the root slave. Slavery is an awkward thing to casually mention, but there is no way around it in understanding the origin of “deserve.” “Deserve,” besides, “Mine, my, and I,” is one of the words used with the most passion.  “I deserve better than this!” “You deserve what’s coming to you!” “They deserve to be happy…”

There are a few ways in which a separation from being a slave makes sense in the context of what we deserve. A slave resided in a house but did not own it, similarly we reside in a body and sometimes don’t seem to own it either. There is often a discrepancy between what we want to do, what we should do, and what we actually do. Yes, not eating what we know we should is difficult, but why are so many of our cheat meals not even worth it? How often do we pick up a cookie, realized it is dry, taste it, confirm how dry it is, and then eat it anyway? If our actions neither come from what we want nor what we feel we should do, where do they come from? Are we really just eating that sub-par cookie just because it is there?

Since I already casually mentioned one hot-button topic in order to explain something else, I might as well casually mention another, or a few more. There are many things that influence what we do, that are neither what we want nor feel we should do, politics, for example. Though we live in a two-party system, you’d be hard-pressed to find any two democrats or two republicans that think the same. Even as hard as many people try to tow the party line, anyone who has heard local representatives debate, knows how different the actual debate on the national level is, or even in primary debates of candidates from the same political party. Same goes with talking to local members or leaders of a religion compared to the leaders or source texts. This is why when confronted with someone who tries to spew up the dogma of their political party or religion, I am more interested in going to the source. The twice baked beans, frozen and microwaved twice again that are offered from a person more scared to be cast out of their group for having their own opinion than scared what they will miss by not thinking for themselves.

Spotting an ideologue is easy, because each component of the rhetoric is given with the same emotional investment. When someone is actually speaking from the heart, personal preferences come out naturally, and each part is emotionally weighted accordingly. There should be a stratification of confidence in our various thoughts and feelings—we should have somethings we have more experience to verify, and ideas that act as placeholders while the investigation continues. This is important in communicating with someone, because each person in a conversation should be able to notice which ideas are core beliefs and which are mere placeholders. Someone who doesn’t have core beliefs and placeholder ideas, but merely a prepackaged ideology is not capable of having a real conversation. When the first thing we notice about someone is all we see is signs of ideological entrapment, it makes it really hard to want to look twice. The problem is, is there anyone completely free from, or completely trapped in, ideology? That presents one very valid reason to always look twice, and to assume each person has something to say that will enrich our life in some way. This also means that when someone else doesn’t look twice at us, we can assume it is because of how we are coming across to them.

And ancient proverb is that virtue is its own reward. If we are going to be a slave to something, it might as well be virtue, because being a slave to chance or circumstance is nothing to be emulated, nor could it be, because no two people experience the exact same chance or circumstance.

I have found that every conversation can be useful if we come away understanding what someone values enough to be their core belief, and how those ideas differ from beliefs that currently are placeholders. After many conversations with many very different people, I’ve started to see trends emerge, and have found very little conflict at the level of core beliefs between my beliefs and anyone else. Any conflicts I have had with people were usually at the superficial level of placeholder ideas, which thought much less important than core beliefs, would set off a defensive mode that would shut me out. I found that if I crashed into the placeholder idea before someone knew that I understood and valued their core beliefs, they would emotionally close off.

How do we get to know someone’s core beliefs without crashing into the almost completely arbitrary placeholder ideas? Easy, just get them talking—people love to talk about what they feel passionate about. A question like, “What is an incidence in your life that exemplifies the importance of your core beliefs?” could take you right to the fabric of that person’s soul. If you want someone to look twice, say something that appeals to the most core thing about them.

If we don’t take the time to find out what someone really cares about, how could we expect people to care about what we have to say? Where could someone place any idea we are giving if it doesn’t fit anyone in their core belief system?

Sometimes we discredit what we say before we even open our mouth with how we act. If we are not making a valiant effort to unify what we feel we should do, what we want to do, and that actions we actually do, why would we expect someone to look twice at what we are doing?

We can’t force anyone to respect us, but if we focus on doing the things that best allow us to respect ourselves, respect will naturally come. The same problem we have, everyone else has also, that is, the discrepancy of what we should, want, and actually do. This means that even if someone wants to respect you, or feels they should respect you, doesn’t mean they actually can. The best thing we can do to help someone be capable of respect where it is due, is to model the level of self-control necessary to unify our heart, mind and actions.

We are more likely to carry our core beliefs into what we do if we clarify what they are and what they implicate—writing them out can help. Writing out your core beliefs also can help to separate them in your mind from placeholder ideas you have. In the heat of the moment it becomes hard to separate what we really care about from what we don’t. One, if not the only thing we get to choose in life, is what hill we want to fight and die on. Do we really want to our tombstone to say that we were faithful to Apple or Android till the very end? That we died towing the democrat or republican party line? That we never remained silent when someone dared to claim that pineapple belongs on pizza?

What is worth dying for?

It’s an important question, because though it may not seem like life or death, when someone emotionally closes off to you, it is much more difficult to get them to open up again, which in a way, means you are dead to them. One core belief I have found in many people is the maxim, “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.” If we are not very aware of our direction, we will find ourselves not headed towards where we see value or logic, but where we don’t imagine getting betrayed or swindled. If you feel you deserve more respect, take a look into what it might seem to someone else like you are selling, or where your loyalty seems to be. “All you care about it money or looking good to your friends!” Virtue is not a commodity, but the person who has it is both rare and valuable, and the laws of supply and demand would indicate that, that person would more often than otherwise will be looked at more than once.

There is a difference in things we write on a resume and things that might never be said, but find their way onto our gravestone. We have no idea how many people are watching us, and what all they notice, all we can do is give something worth watching, and if nothing else, enjoy it ourselves doing the best we can.

Beyond respecting ourselves, we can give respect to others, and give it in the way they will understand and enjoy it. Monitoring how we speak can greatly help us conveying the respect we are trying to give. We know how we want to be spoken to, and harshly critique when someone speaks to us differently, but yet we sometimes don’t hold ourselves to the same standard—sometimes we use rhetorical questions, or are curt or condescending, but only feel it is a problem when other people do it.  Sometimes we don’t even speak how we would like to be spoken to, much less how the other person wants to. If we are not at least going to take the time to figure out how someone wants to be spoken to, we ought to at least hold ourselves to the same standard we hold them to.

If you look once at someone and don’t see anything worth seeing, look at yourself and remember the last time you felt the same about yourself, and how glad you were you didn’t stay thinking that way. It would be hard to respect some people if it were true that some people are born evil or broken, but it’s not, we are all just scared and immature, and will blossom quicker if we are given a chance. Be that chance for someone else… it might only requiring looking twice, and maybe adding a smile.